About this submission
LL: In an effort to live up to his honored heritage, a stubborn young boxer picks a fight he knows he'll lose.
This is the first 10 pages of a longer feature I'm working on. I submitted it to the "An Unforgettable Entrance" challenge last month. It did not win but I feel the marks given in the feedback are pretty positive and, if I'm being honest, I feel like it's the best thing I've ever written. Now, I know that's a cliched writer's line...or a severely amateur writer's line....but I'm really excited by what I've started and want to get more feedback to make it better.
I will say, not winning the August contest has raised some doubts about certain aspects of this story I'd like readers here to comment on. I won the July monthly contest with a very wholesome/sweetheart piece about an emotional old man. No cuss words and very little trope/expected character behavior. But with these 10 pages I wanted to have more fun with it. Get crazy. Drop that napalm as Tarantino would say. Not disregard originality and emotional depth, but try to write a movie I would pay to see. I know that's blasphemy...never chase the audience or the dollar or whatever but I think the film they want to see is the same one I want to write/make/watch. But back to the main points of emphasis.
Are the characters written as types? Is the cartel boss too stereotypical? Is there not Mexican cartel bosses in the real world....should we not be telling these stories/representing these people like that anymore? Especially by me, a non-Spanish speaking Chicano. Is the dialogue too cringy or clunky? I know there is some rough parts but where? Most dialogue sounds like nails on the chalk board but I feel there are some fun parts mixed in there.
I want to try to make an action movie with some real depth to it. Is it possible to construct dope visuals like a jewel encrusted pistols matched with exotic cars all-the-while maintaining some emotional resonance that audiences can empathize with like having tough dads or savior moms? These pages are a bit of an attempt to do that while also serving as a prologue/character introduction for my hero.
Thanks for your time & Enjoy,